Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
wut hotdog?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING