[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
just witnessed a drug deal
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy