Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”