baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.