u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end