Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
thank god the sign was there
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?