“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Does your wife know you’re single?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.