It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Good dog. ❤️
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.