Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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selena gomez
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
No way!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam