Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.