therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.