I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
we all know this pain all too well
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok