My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Not recommended for beginners.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Holy moly
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.