Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness