Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff