What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.