Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
You Might Also Like
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
i will not be silenced
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
best review i’ve ever seen
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.