Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.