Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.