[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
X-tra spooky blend
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”