Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.