8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
…..pretty much.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Lmao the reply
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.