Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
need him
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
you will never know the true number of layers
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off