The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.