Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
When I snag the last meatball.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.