WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*3.5 thank you very much.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house