I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.