Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]