*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
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#StillHurts
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.