[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.