Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
You Might Also Like
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc