Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The Assassin.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
For the orator and chef in all of us
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun