My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.