[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I thought this was funny lol
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.