When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I was bored.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks