The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
They also CAN sing✌️
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”