Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You Might Also Like
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
rapatouille
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor