“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“What movie?” 🤔
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
where’s Godzilla when we need him
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks