I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”