Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
IT’S-A ME,
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
that de-escalated quickly
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.