Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?