devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem