Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy