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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
become ungovernable
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.