Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.