Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
me after eating Cheetos
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.