I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Perfect.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”