WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I only treason on days ending in y
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”