For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Merry Christmas
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.