yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long